It was nothing.

Nothing profound.

Nothing serious.

Nothing at all.

Just a dream perhaps.

Only this little elixir and little bits to remember.

It will fade because it’s time to leave.

Goodbye.

Maybe you’ll appear and I’ll move away the next time.

Maybe.

Toxic. I know it is.

Images.

I can’t rub away.

That sense of almost. That glimmer of hope. That pull and push.

What is it?

Why, the soft kiss on the eye.

Why, the warmth.

Why, to be close.

And as I fall asleep, the trees outside seem closer, the birds seem to be singing, and your heartbeat, the rhythm I can never catch. Why?

Why go away, why?

Where emptiness and feelings ebb and flow.

Sometimes like the crazy waves of the ocean.

Sometimes meek, like a calm summer day.

Where the realization hits.

Where hatred is accumulating, muffled somewhere.

Where illusion is greater than anything.

Where I wish you would stop doing this.

Why is this your one way street?

Why do I ask for more?

Why aren’t you proud enough of me?

The scent of you.

Lingers.

How crazy it is that you’ll look for me suddenly.

How sad it is at the thought you might vanish again.

Why am I hanging on?

Moved

And less than a day, I miss the village terribly.

Miss those studying times in the cc.

The spectacular.

Chilling at T25.

The parties.

The sighing monster.

The sorry creature.

Crazy French neighbour singing at 3am.

The pool table.

The joy of having most of your friends a few doors away.

The bridge.

The walk to uni.

The screaming kids at the childcare centre.

The crazy birds that knock into your window.

The random cat that passes the window every night.

All the times.

And you.

Laying there in your arms, staring at the ceiling fan with not a word.

If only everything could be uncomplicated.

.

.

.

Now, how can I bear to graduate?

How?!

I think I’m tired.

I think I’m not good enough.

Not brave enough.

Not strong enough.

Never enough.

Stagnant.

Sometimes I feel like staying.

But placing myself in uncomfortable situations to fight on is what I like to do. I’m here. Not at home. It feels like a dream. Maybe it’s a long dream. And dream it will be, one day, when I look back.

I can’t get what I came here for.

I’m not good enough.

Just weary of it all.

And reverted.

“every thing gets complicated…”

So you chose to run away.

Hide away.

I won’t chase.

Just want to know why

I’m not afraid

You are

And you’re right.

It’s you, not me.

This world is like a giant web and we’re all spiders spinning our little tiny webs. You got lost in yours. I can’t let you out because you don’t want to. maybe it keeps you safe.

This complexity is a figment of your imagination.

Maybe you’re lying.

So run away. Just run away. I won’t chase. I’ll just smile and wave it all away.

I don’t really care anymore.

Weird things begin when I fight the urge

To ignore, to turn away, to not think

Weird feelings linger when I try hard

To not wonder, to pepper it all with what ifs

What ifs

So close yet so far

You.

So near yet so distant

This lack of communication

Sucks.

So dangerous so dangerous

Such cravings, so bad

Why are you silent?

Why?