This. feels. awessommmee.

But procrastination doesn’t.

Somehow dreading the performance. Hur. My dumb nose keeps getting congested and I can’t reach the notes without hurting my throat.

***

Standing at this crossroad wondering where to turn.

There’s a barrier somewhere along this road I wanna go but I can’t see it. Key in my hand but it’s crooked and I don’t know if it’ll fit. Hesitate as I walk. Walk as I hesitate. The uncertainty feels extremely uncomfortable. What if I hit the barrier? What if nothing but a sore feet is gained and I get stranded again? Will jumping with all my might work?

There’s another path. It’s covered with trees and hanging branches. Scared, but I want to try going through. What the branches are too thick and scratch? What if I get nothing but cuts and get left stranded back here again?  Can this small pair of scissors work?

Then, beside it lies this neat, straight path. Predictable, clean, bright, and really straight. Strangely though, flowers never grow there. Only weeds. Weirdly neat weeds. It’s safe. It’s very very safe. But I don’t feel like treading upon it although it’s the path that no help need to be sought for.

MaybeI should choose the neat, straight path. And one day, turn around to try the other paths when I’m stronger, braver, bigger.

Maybe, I am strong enough.

But reality nags in my face and tells me how weak I can get.

What on earth?

Things that I’ll miss? I’m sometimes so cold I can drop them. I can harden my heart and turn away as always…

So what??

Why ponder?

Why am I just not doing it?

Even the other paths bounce me away, I’ll go to the bright neat one and maybe indulge in poetry, music, books, the things money can buy…

But I don’t care too much for loads of money.

Because I want purpose.

But maybe I’m not wise, calm, collected enough to find out how to meander through the paths.

Although purpose is yearned for, I don’t have the ability.

Maybe that’s it.

Maybe my eyes need to be opened a little, wider.

Maybe I need to unlock this cage I’ve placed myself in and be a little braver.

And maybe, feelings need to be thrown away. Because they always get in the way.

8 years is too long.

Way, too long.

Let go, let go…