Can’t I be human just like everyone else and help another in the meantime?
I’m not always brave
Can’t I ask for a little help?
Which really, is just a day of company to help me fight this fear?
So cornered.

What if you stand in the center of the universe and stare around you and find yourself surrounded by millions of people. But when you choke, reach out, cry for help, nobody cares.

I’m neither left or right.
Just somewhere in the middle.
And there’s this chalk line encircling me.
Keeping everyone away.
I’m neither alone nor blended.
I’m neither one nor scattered all over.
Not here or there.
Just being Not.

Falling into this pit.
I wish to just get hit.
Looking forward never seemed so painful.
Looking back never seemed so blank.
If only I can close my eyes and stay in this comforting darkness forever.

I acquire a fear while fighting another.
How very apt.

***
Something interesting I thought I’d say
The way I avoid situations by running away instead of turning back to tug and cry.
My mum just told me this, and I have no recollections of it although i suspect the dreams i have to be related?
Ok, I was three at that time and did something to make my mum really really mad. She opened the door and told me to get out of the house. She expected me to turn back and cling onto her leg to cry like other kids. Instead, I went to get my pillow (don’t you all do that sometimes?), sniffed, and walked out of the house. Up the stairs to the 9th floor (I lived on the 7th and the elevator is on the 9th), and towards the elevator. My mother got so shocked she quickly brought me back home.

I both laughed and cried when I heard this. Laughed because I have no recollection of this and imagining myself doing something like that at three seemed funny.

However it felt so sad too. Because I imagined the pain this three year old must have felt. I don’t remember a thing so obviously it’s not because i recalled something. But I felt a deep sense of sorrow although I laughed.

And I recalled this. I always have this similar dream of running up and down that stairs. The same stairs i walked away from. It was always me, running away from home up and down that stairs and elevator but never being able to leave. And somebody was always following me, stopping me from leaving.

I wonder if it’s related somehow.
Hmm…