Shush. shush.

This is a little secret.

Shush… shush…

This little rush.

How exciting.

 

Ok… so after not bothering to do anything about the Random Music page, I finally wrote something.

Go click it if you’re ready to kill yourself.
Epps.

Finally huh Day, finally?

***

Lyrics:

Now close your eyes
I’ll feel the fear
Lay down your guards
I’ll take the tears

Move from the shield
I’ll face the sword
So don’t be afraid
Because this will be fought

Battle scars that hurt
Wounds full of pride
In darkness I lurk
You show me the light

I try to be strong
But you know me well
Save me from wrong
Why can’t I… protect you?

Maybe I’m scared
A guardian I’m not
You are my angel
Keep me from fear
Hide away my tears

Alice didn’t know why the queen wanted everyone’s head.

The queen didn’t know why Alice didn’t know.

The jury showed white.

The judge wanted black.

Who owns the court?

Off with the heads.

The heads know more. But they roll. And roll they do, with the knowledge inside.

Clearer than day itself.

Locked forever.

Rolling Pandora Boxes.

Forbidden to be opened.

Rolling on… rolling on…

You are nothing more than a Heart of 3.

Ace and double,

Always Stronger.

So off, off, you pandora box. Roll away. Roll. Because there’s too much to be unspoken.

Too. too much…

Not even Alice can save you now, you paper heart of 3.

***

This is a tad boring already but I find so much comfort in The Cure’s music.

So so much.

And Detach, detach.

Have you forgotten what you were trying to throw away?

Have you?

Happiness,

What is needed?

How do you define it?

Is it having tons and tons of money?

Is it that little skip in your feet and the lightness in your heart?

Is it knowing that your eyes are open and feeling your heart beat while you know that you have today?

What makes you happy?

If you live in a tribe, away from all urbanization, and hunt for your meals, are you poor? Would you need money if you didn’t know shops existed? If you knew what money could bring and the world outside your own would you be less happy than not knowing all of these? If you didn’t have a television and didn’t know it existed, would you be less happy?

What kills happiness?

Is it wanting what we can’t have?

Hankering after the newest phone, fastest computer, coolest music player, priciest bag, prettiest clothing, or snazziest car?

Does it matter if you have all of those?

Does it make you happier? A newer phone will appear, and so will a faster computer, cooler music player, pricier bag, prettier piece of clothing and snazzier car. Will that make you forget why you were happy in getting whatever you wanted before and kill the happiness that lit before?

Getting what you desire makes you happy. Wanting more than what you get kills it.

What if you knew nothing about all the desires? Will you be less happy?

What if you knew nothing about the material stuff but know that running around a field on a sunny day, laying on a beach, standing right on top of a hill, having people who cares around you, feeling alive and knowing the people you love are okay are things that you want? Will obtaining them and wanting more of it and kill the happiness?

Why are we jealous and hanker over things we can’t have when it makes us feel horrible in the end anyway? Have we forgotten the happiness from material lasts only before we get bored of it? Why do we want something that has no meaning and useless to us at the end? How much happiness can it fill your soul with?

And when you walk around, oblivious to the world around you and aim only to ensure you’re safe, happy, satisfied, does that genuinely gives you happiness?

Does this world you’re in, contains only, you?

Does everything we do, have to be because of ourselves? Can’t there be no reason?

Why must we find a reason to do anything at all?

Why can’t we just be, happy?

I guess we lose ourselves.

Sometimes.

***

Sometimes we forget why

And I’m scared.

I’m scared of losing people.

Death scares me.

Very very much.

I keep finding myself crying in the darkness because of fear.

I don’t want it to happen.

Please?

I think music soothes.

But music will not be the same without you.

Because you’re my teacher. And you believed  in me even more than my parents.

Please be fine.

Please.

 

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This is something I haven’t felt for ages.

Really really long.

And it’s making me feel so uncomfortable and restless.

Why?

Why?

Why am I feeling it?

How can this be???

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Why am I actually feeling…

Bored?

Hello Friend,

If everything seems awful and going the wrong way, don’t be afraid to let it out. If nothing ever seems to go your way, don’t forget you’re still here. If you want to say something or just stay quiet, don’t forget your company’s here.

Because I feel worthless that I can’t do anything yet you’ve been so very great. Although I may be mean, I’m actually extremely thankful. Especially for saving me although I was an absolute retard.

Seeing bad things happening to you makes me feel useless and helpless that I can’t do anything in return. You’ve been a great friend, so allow me to return that favour?

I wish I can do something more.

 

I am terrified.

Very terrified.

Scared.

Very scared.

Just want to huddle somewhere and pray everything will be alright…

She’ll be fine she’ll be fine she’ll be fine…

 

This. feels. awessommmee.

But procrastination doesn’t.

Somehow dreading the performance. Hur. My dumb nose keeps getting congested and I can’t reach the notes without hurting my throat.

***

Standing at this crossroad wondering where to turn.

There’s a barrier somewhere along this road I wanna go but I can’t see it. Key in my hand but it’s crooked and I don’t know if it’ll fit. Hesitate as I walk. Walk as I hesitate. The uncertainty feels extremely uncomfortable. What if I hit the barrier? What if nothing but a sore feet is gained and I get stranded again? Will jumping with all my might work?

There’s another path. It’s covered with trees and hanging branches. Scared, but I want to try going through. What the branches are too thick and scratch? What if I get nothing but cuts and get left stranded back here again?  Can this small pair of scissors work?

Then, beside it lies this neat, straight path. Predictable, clean, bright, and really straight. Strangely though, flowers never grow there. Only weeds. Weirdly neat weeds. It’s safe. It’s very very safe. But I don’t feel like treading upon it although it’s the path that no help need to be sought for.

MaybeI should choose the neat, straight path. And one day, turn around to try the other paths when I’m stronger, braver, bigger.

Maybe, I am strong enough.

But reality nags in my face and tells me how weak I can get.

What on earth?

Things that I’ll miss? I’m sometimes so cold I can drop them. I can harden my heart and turn away as always…

So what??

Why ponder?

Why am I just not doing it?

Even the other paths bounce me away, I’ll go to the bright neat one and maybe indulge in poetry, music, books, the things money can buy…

But I don’t care too much for loads of money.

Because I want purpose.

But maybe I’m not wise, calm, collected enough to find out how to meander through the paths.

Although purpose is yearned for, I don’t have the ability.

Maybe that’s it.

Maybe my eyes need to be opened a little, wider.

Maybe I need to unlock this cage I’ve placed myself in and be a little braver.

And maybe, feelings need to be thrown away. Because they always get in the way.

8 years is too long.

Way, too long.

Let go, let go…