Strength

What do you do? When the world appears to throw its weight upon you and there’s no strength left to carry any of it. What do you do?

When a person loses strength, his knees bend first.

Go on your bended knee and pray.

For strength.

First Christmas

In my first year as a Christian, I’m beyond thankful and joyful for the love of God. At the same time, I feel attacked by the very people I love…

Anyway, blessed Christmas.

Finding self

Somehow, being around people who are seen by society as doing well, killed the free spirit that was in me.
It’s creeping back after 3 days out of the country…

Inspiration

Very often, I don’t bother asking, “How are you?” It seemed pointless to ask. Often too, I dare not initiate things. Just following till I get comfortable.

Then today, I asked someone whom I hardly approached, “Do you want to have lunch?” He agreed and I was surprised. To be honest, didn’t think he would agree as he had a disability and would be difficult for us to go out. He requested for us to eat within the building, on the floor I didn’t like. Without hesitation (and turning down someone who was asking me out), I agreed. A part of me felt bummed that I couldn’t have lunch with the usual people but that was just a minute part. Anyway, another unwell colleague joined us.

During lunch, the usually quiet guy started talking and sharing so much with us. Maybe because we’re trained in psychology, so he trusted us, maybe …. for whatever reasons, I can’t put my finger on except for divine intervention.

He shared that for the several months that he was absent from work, he was undergoing surgery and chemotherapy for cancer. This was a fact that we already knew. What we didn’t know, was his emotional process and struggles. The fear he had, the helplessness, the anger, and the jealousy of others fit and well… spoke loudly to me.

Few weeks ago, I had been having extremely frequent bouts of low blood sugar to the point of semi consciousness. They gave me the exact same feelings as he did. Every single one of them. But the difference was… I managed to discover that they were caused by medication that was given and should stop after I withdraw from them. His, was legit and he’s only 19, with a perfectly healthy lifestyle (know me very well and you’ll know how awful I really am compared to him). It was such a sad and unexpected situation that even his doctors and nurses cried for him. But… the inspiring things were not in the sadness or his emotional struggle.

It was his strength and faith.

How he managed to pull through all the turmoil, with nothing but strength, support, and faith… and got cured of cancer. How much he had to lose as a young man, but still had the courage to go on, facing it all. How much anger and jealousy he had, and wisdom he gained from it all. Mind you, he was handicapped and probably did not function at a normal intellectual level, or not given opportunities to. The two of us, listening. Controlling our emotions. Me, feeling inspired (and a little ashamed).

“Why do I always let myself slip into darkness when someone with almost no hope in their life has the strength to pull through?” was the question that screamed in my head.

Isn’t it amazing how at the lowest point, a beacon is shone into your life to scare away the darkness?

He has shown me how we, as salt and light should be.

Isn’t it such a wonder what a “Do you want to have lunch?” can do?

Nervous wreck

I am a nervous wreck.

Heart be still, mind be strong.

Things are starting to happen.

Although they are still small baby steps.

Things are still unsure, and courage, strength, and patience are desired.

Faith must be strong. And will be.

“Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:5-6

Heart be still, distractions be sent away.

Thankful always. For failures and success.

Trust always. In God.

Dance

And we were dancing in the warm living room

Happy, Sad, all mixed into one

 

Unseen Gag

Feeling this impatience burning in me

Like a mixture and rush of several feelings

Why is time ticking away so quickly

Feel so misjudged,

always seem as this person I’m not

Feel like wrapping an invisible gag around my mouth,

so i’ll never say another wrong word.

Feel so broken and lost,

nobody to speak to…

Even sinking into prayer makes me guilty of asking from God.

Burning

It burns at the throat.

Can’t say it out.

Ever.

Unwise.

A cacophony of words filling up my head, as if they’re stuck.

Fight this.

Some things are changing in my life

Some positive

Some negative

Some facts I’ve been trying to hide away from have to be faced

Some repeating history to be repeated…

And pills forever… to accept

If grieving for your health can be part of the grieving process, I might have already entered acceptance.

Side effects, only to pray they’ll go away soon.

Doesn’t feel good feeling sick all day.

Just have to fight this and have faith.

And a lot of cognitive restructuring to do.